God DAMMIT!!!!
I’m glad I’m not a gambler. I would always choose the lesbian horse.
When someone asks you to tell them a joke
When someone asks you to tell them a joke, having just learned that you’re a comic, it’s like walking up to a a doctor and asking for free medical advice. At the risk of being perceived an asshole I’ll preface this with saying I realize it’s ridiculous. But that means a writer or comic could be considered the equivalent of the doctor of the arts…. Never mind I’m an asshole.
“Well, at least he’s famous”
There are some people I will never understand.
I mean, I realize everyone is wired differently. When your genetic code has already built the skeleton of what your personality will consist of. Straight, gay, proud, pretentious, business oriented, quasi-addictive,… Comedian?
Having the mind of an aspiring artist is considered by those without this affliction to be a disability.
It isn’t. It’s just the way we are. I’m a very liberal guy. I have no problem with any way you want to live your life.. Within reason of course. Why can’t you people accept me for who I am?!
I’m not meant to have an accounting job or an office job or any type of “management position”. I literally see that as nightmare situation. And it’s not as if I believe I’m in any way better than that. I’m not. You’re taught when you’re young that you need to work hard toward the job you want and not stop until you get it. I’ve taken that mentality down the road less traveled. And that has made a the difference. I’m working hard to achieve my artistic dream of making people laugh and it’s as if I’ve told my family I’ve decided to limit my diet to only wheatgrass and baby legs.
I was watching the David Cross special “Bigger And Blackerer” today with my brothers and I notice that the guy doing to sign language bit at the beginning only did about two hand gestures. Like most people. I found this amusing and I said,
“Haha! He’s only doing a couple of hand gestures.”
And my brother looks at me and says, ” well, at least he’s famous.”
It had never been more clear to me than it was in that moment… My family has no idea WHY I want to do what I want to do. In their minds it’s about either fame or ‘making tons of money without having to work for it.
I want to make people laugh because it makes me happy. I want to make people think because I feel good when people pose rhetorical questions to me that make me re-evaluate my opinions. I hate it when people tell you you’re wrong for thinking what you do. “If you say ‘goddamn it’ you’ll go to hell”
Really? Is this because “god,” supposedly the most powerful, all-knowing entity that you could ever imagine is actually a sensitive 14 year old girl who doesn’t like it when you talk about him? If that’s what you want to believe, more power to you. But all I want to do is put out my own world view out there in a humorous way and let people interpret it how they want to interpret it. I have no alternative motive to convert to world to atheism or become any godlike figure. All I want is to be able to look back and be proud of my life while on my deathbed. I have no desire for fame. Perhaps recognition amongst my peers but that’s it.
This has been the rant of a misunderstood artist.
Greasy
As I age, I find that grease is the most prominent thing in my life. I’m an Italian man who loves delicious food and smoking cigarettes. My teenage years were particularly difficult. Every time I shower it’s like I’m rinsing out a jar of Vaseline…. That’s gross.
I think it must have to do with my diet. My days usually run on a blend of nicotine, guarana and MSG, none of which do I have a strong understanding of.
Still I reintroduce them into my system day after day with ZERO regard for the long-term OR short-term effects that may manifest themselves. Maybe I should try the patch… Though that would be somewhat counterproductive…. Plus I don’t think they make one for MSG… delicious, beautiful, MSG, what dangerous three word combo makes up your threatening abbreviation?…. The world may never know.
I wanted to go do a set tonight, I have a lot of new shit I was really looking forward to trying out, but then my basement flooded, proving that god, Buddha, the universe or what have you can’t let ME be my biggest nemesis.
Nay! My lazy side has to share that position with whatever higher power or fatal energy you may believe on.
